Age Old Questions: The Aging Parents Podcast
A podcast that explores the challenges of supporting aging parents with wisdom, humor, and honesty.
I know that navigating the role of supporting an aging parent can leave you feeling frustrated, guilty, worried, and alone. I'm here to provide guidance, interview experts, and share stories from people just like you so you'll feel more connected, prepared, and less stressed. We have big complicated lives to live, and this is part of the whole thing. I want to empower and inspire you to enjoy, to laugh, to ponder, to grieve and to really engage in this part of life. - Ellen.
Ellen Koebel is a physical therapist who works in the homes of older adults. She has helped hundreds of families navigate the practical and emotional challenges of aging and illness.
Age Old Questions: The Aging Parents Podcast
08. Accepting the Journey: A Story of Finding Understanding at the End of Life
When Janet Krebs moved her aging mother into her home, she started a challenging journey that would lead to understanding and acceptance. Join us as we share Janet's story of navigating a strained mother/daughter relationship, setting healthy boundaries, starting hard conversations, and the gift of seeing her mother in a new light before she passed away.
Janet's honest and vulnerable recount of inviting her mother into her life without judgment will resonate with anyone caring for an elderly parent.
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She really was a whole lot stronger than I thought, and it took her dying and me watching her die to learn that, and so that's my gift I got to see the human that she needed me to see, that I needed to see in her, and for that I'm forever grateful.
Speaker 2:Welcome to Age Old Questions, the Aging Parents podcast. My name is Ellen Kobel. Today I'm talking with Janet Krebs about her experience moving her mother across the country into her home. Janet opens up about her strained relationship with her mother and finding love and understanding before death. She talks about setting boundaries, starting hard conversations and the gift of seeing her mother in a new light at the end of her life. I hope you find her story and insight useful. Here's our conversation. Hi, Janet, and welcome to Age Old Questions. Thank you so much for being here. We're hoping to hear your story of caring for your mother, And when she first started to need some help, you didn't necessarily have the best relationship. We're the most solid relationship. So tell me a little bit about how you first knew she needed some more help and how you made the decision to start caring for her.
Speaker 1:Oh, Ellen Shall, we just say well for all of us. So welcome to whomever's tuning in today. This is really a delight for me to be here. This is the year that I will turn 60. And so if anybody is in you know that kind of generation where I am, they will smile and appreciate when we say often And maybe it's still true today, i'm sure it is, but mothers and daughters can have a very precarious relationship. My mother announced on the way to the synagogue on the eve of my Bat Mitzvah which, if you are Jewish that's like a big deal. We are five miles away from the synagogue And my mother says your father and I are getting a divorce.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I'm 13, because that's the age that you are. I have prepared my entire life for this event because it's that big of a deal. Friends, family have come from all over. And this is what she says, five miles from the synagogue Like are you freaking, kidding me? So of course I'm like sitting in the back and, honestly, if I was really going to go down the rabbit hole of how do those things affect you, janet, like you have wanted to get really, you know, clinical about it, i kind of think I lost my voice that day. However, walking into the synagogue, of course I had to find my singing voice, and all of that suffice it to say. Then the story progresses, they are getting the divorce and we are in judges chambers. I promise there's a point to all this, but we're in judges chambers.
Speaker 1:This judge was asking my sister and I who we wanted to live with. So, my sister being older, she says I want to go live with my father because my mother and my sister were like piss and vinegar. Sorry if that offends any of your listeners, but we all understand what that means. I looked at the judge and I said I want to go with my sister because I couldn't. I mean, i'm 13 and yet I'm smart enough to realize we don't. I don't want to divide my family. One goes with one parent, the other one goes with the other. So I said I want to go with her. So unprecedented We were the first family in Pennsylvania to have been awarded to a father at that time, which was really interesting Anything about my mother's mental health, emotional security.
Speaker 1:We didn't have that language back then. You know that. I mean, come on, ellen, you were either healthy or you weren't. Now we have a name for everything. Back then we didn't. And if I were to reflect now, i can honestly now see very clearly my mother wasn't the strongest woman. I'm going to say that again. She wasn't a strong woman. So when she didn't fight for me and I'll just be personal because I don't know about my sister When she didn't fight for me, what does that tell a young, impressionable 13 year old? So there were lots of deposits of this woman doesn't care, she's not going to fight for me.
Speaker 1:And so I then also continued a very divisive kind of a relationship. Yeah, and it was always that way. I didn't, i wasn't intentional about visiting her and it was always forced and it was just tough and all of that. But I lived with my father. He did the very best he could but, in all fairness, even with all the hired help, i did a lot of things, i like. I'm so blessed to be alive today Because I think I raised myself. My father was a very strong man, both physically and emotionally again, doing the best he could, but he died when I was 19. No, 18. Sorry, i had just graduated high school and he died, so my first year of college.
Speaker 1:I'm like the wild child morning. I have no idea what's going on And I'm, but I'm living on my own because, dear God, i'm not living with my mother, who is now in a, in an apartment etc. I moved away, lived my life. We were mother I can't even say motherly. I don't know what the relationship was obligatory That's the word obligatory. You know. You call once in a while and she would make the obligatory trip out to.
Speaker 1:I lived in California. Who doesn't want to go live, or, you know, visit California, and I'd send her all over the place and and all of that. And I was just a very dutiful daughter. My children were born and all of that. Now I don't know that it's relevant, but she was my adopted mother. So this is the woman that raised me but did hurt me.
Speaker 1:My relationship as a mother then was very challenged, which was very interesting. I didn't even want to be a mother And then when I think about it, it's like Oh, i wonder why I didn't want to be a mother. Could it be that I didn't have the best role models in the world? Fast forward to my mother is now 80. I'm a grown woman, like enough is enough, right? I've got two beautiful kids and we have reconciled to a point My son gets bar mitzvahed, my mother comes by. Now I have met my birth parents, which is a whole other story for a whole other podcast, great Oprah story. However I really is, it's a beautiful story. Oftentimes those kinds of stories don't end up well, but I have a great one, happy ending. So all these mothers are hovering Very interesting dynamic.
Speaker 1:My birth mother insulted my mother, ruth, and then I realized that it was my job to defend this woman and stand up to my birth mother. And again, everybody means. Well, this is not to point figures and be judgmental, and all of that. But I realized, you know like the woman has earned a privilege to be at this party just like everybody else. So she's getting older and everything else. She lives on her own magnificently, she runs, she works, i mean, she's doing all the right things. We talk about food endlessly. I am a health food net. I convince her that she needs to change her diet. And she does and lives very well. And then the pandemic hit And we had gotten into a habit of talking two to three times a week leading up to that, which was really pretty huge. But we mended. So it was like well, mom, like are you?
Speaker 1:eating. Well, yeah, you know, yeah, yeah, i made this. And well, how are you doing your shopping? You know, because she's in Pennsylvania. It was very hyper conservative, hard for her. My niece was coming to do shopping. Well, what will you do if she can't come? Oh, well, you know, and I said look, if you can demonstrate all of the challenges that I posed to you and you can demonstrate a solution, you can live on your own. But if not, we have to think about something else.
Speaker 1:She didn't want to move. Nobody wants to move. Our elders, our seniors, want to age in place, which I endorse 400%. But she's 88 now I have fast forwarded on you and 89 actually, and she's not thriving. But I always just said I'm not going to make you do anything. It has to be your decision. Well, i respect that. I'm not moving this and that, that and this I can't afford, and you probably know this. Like, how can our seniors afford senior living? Good grief, this is the next crisis, this is a current crisis. I don't know if it's the next crisis, it's the current crisis, yeah, so I said you know what? Just think about it. I welcome you into my home. We will make it work And it took probably about six months until one of the three conversations that we had during the week, she said you know, i think you're right, i should consider moving.
Speaker 1:And I said, great, we'll make it really work. So over the course of like really the next 30 days, 45 days, i didn't give her a lot of time because, dare I say, the older we get, the more childlike we become. How is a teacher for over 20 years? I know kids don't give them time, don't give them time to overthink things or talk themselves out of it or whatever. I knew that my job was to just paint a really beautiful picture for her about how her room was coming and you know some of the places that I would, you know, hook her up with the senior center and how she could get, you know, go to the library and all of these things, and how it would be lovely family gatherings and all of this. She was totally on board. You painted the picture. Well, right, i wasn't duping her, but my job was to focus on the positive and not the negative. So, rule one meet them where they are, which is, she's the one that's having the most amount of change at 89. Like, meet them where they are and be respectful and treat them as you wish to be treated when it's you, because it will be you. We live a long time now So I really felt like that was my job and my responsibility.
Speaker 1:Flu to Pennsylvania was unimpressed with the hired help that she had to help her pack. I gave her four tubs. I said you can have four tubs of things, that's it. Like I got furniture, everything else goes, your favorite personal, whatever your clothes, it all has to fit in four tubs because of the car we were driving. And then I made it an adventure. But damn, if she wasn't such a sport with the masks and the rest stops and all of that. She was such a trooper. We made it in two days. One hotel stay, two days, stopped for ice cream and just fun things. She was such a trooper. And then we got here and then the work begins. So that was a long lead into then the work begins.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So what did you notice? You know, talking with her from a distance, you obviously had concerns and that's why you brought those up to her in the beginning. And then having her in your home, what were the things that you noticed, saying, oh, this is maybe worse than I thought or harder than I thought once, when she wasn't able to put on a good front on the phone.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, A there were lots of things that she didn't do quite as well as she had claimed, But on the other hand, she did do some things really, really well, And I mean, for example, like things that we wouldn't have known. But we ended up having to tear out the entire bathroom because she couldn't walk over the tub And honestly, I am wondering my walk in. I was like no, no, no, She gets her own bathroom. So during COVID, that was the challenge getting contractors to come in and do this bathroom. But I, you know, I was cooking, So I knew she was well fed and I knew she was bathing and I knew she was happy.
Speaker 1:But then I would say the hardest thing was How do you move in with your daughter as the mother, having not been a mother since she was 13 years of age? Yeah Right, So now I'm in my mid to late 50s and my mother one time tried the but I'm your mother. I was like oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm 58. You don't get to play that card. You haven't been my mother in well, like in the true sense. You haven't had to mother me since I was 13. You don't get to just step into that role now and own that, And you're just going to have to accept that.
Speaker 1:You walked away and I didn't want to hear the sob stories. But, yes, if you don't understand, and there were some moments where I gave her a chance to explain, but it's so long ago now, right Like now I'm 60. Like that's water under the bridge. Why do we don't need to go backwards Like this is what we're dealing with. So that that role. It would be hard for anybody to move it. But, Alan, if somebody moved into your house right now and we haven't discussed what your living arrangements are, but if somebody moved into your house right now, even just the change of somebody moving into your house would be an adjustment.
Speaker 2:Yes, right, yep, and if that's your, your mom, that's even more of an adjustment, right And because they're figuring out the relationship.
Speaker 1:Yeah, i mean, it's just that's. That's pretty monumental actually, and but we, I mean we did okay for a really long time. I do remember one time my mother-in-law doesn't live far from here and they were whispering in the living room but I can hear them and she's talking about me. Janet does this, janet does that, janet does this. And I'm like, really, you have the audacity to do that in my house. And so after my mother-in-law left, i challenged her. That's not fair, i don't deserve it. And what I didn't want to do maybe this is I don't know if people are taking notes, but when you don't, you would never want to make it conditional, right? So what I wasn't going to do is I brought you into this house and you will not disrespect me like that. It was just kind of like really, is that what you want to do? You want to talk, smack about me to other family members in my own home and you think that's okay. Oh, maybe you're right, really, really.
Speaker 2:Like maybe I'm right?
Speaker 1:How about? yes, i'm right, and you promise you will never do it again? And then I was so angry I wanted to send her to her room, so instead I sent myself to my own room, so my bedroom became my safe place, which was also kind of weird.
Speaker 2:Yeah, kind of shrinks your home down so that you had a whole home of your own before, and now you've got a bedroom.
Speaker 1:So if I really wanted privacy, I had to go to my room, which is really kind of a funny like I don't know that I ever really thought about that until this moment. So thank you, That's actually really flippin' funny. I had to send myself to my own room.
Speaker 2:I was just gonna ask what kind of help did your mom need at this point? Was it mostly just supervision, or were there meals and house cleaning, or was there more help that she needed?
Speaker 1:Well, in all fairness, i had a housekeeper and she wanted to help clean up the dishes. It's like, please, no Again. It's like your kids. When it was my kids, i wanted them to learn how to do it. My mother was 88, 89. She knows how to clean the kitchen. Mom goes yeah, i'll get it done. Thank you, i appreciate it. You can do it when you're by yourself, but not when I'm here. So at that point she went from not needing much to. I got her a walker to the bath seat for the shower or the shower seat, whatever you want to call it. So there were a couple of accommodations that needed to be brought in at varying times, and then she just stopped leaving the house because it was hard. It was just really hard.
Speaker 1:I do remember one time big road trip, field trip to Walmart. Yay, She needed a couple of things. It was. I think we did 10,000 steps through Walmart because it was oh, i forgot, i wanted markers or a pen. I was like, well, pens were over when we were in stationery. Okay, well, let's walk. Are you kidding me? It was like a five-hour field trip, It's okay.
Speaker 1:I committed to doing this, and so I learned an incredible amount of patience very, very quickly. My job was not to invite her into my life and then be judgmental, so you have to just meet them where they are. And if she wanted to take five hours at Walmart, i had selected a window of time where there was nothing behind it on purpose, so I wasn't going to be rushing her. Now a couple of things just for the listeners, because I see this all the time. You probably do too, like, what do you do for work? Like, when they can't leave, or if they start making you concerned about leaving them alone, what are you supposed to do about your work?
Speaker 1:I gave my mother a choice. I said and I will be shamed for this and I don't care I was working part-time at the time and it was manageable because the hours were like, while I was gone, it was her downtime And I said, look, this is getting a little precarious. I actually worked in senior living, which is funny because I love seniors And I was good at it. I brought her home the rate sheet one day And I said look, this is my community And I did a little research of two others And I handed her the costs And it's like look, i need to make this X amount of dollars per month, so I need to consider going back to work full time.
Speaker 1:So we have a choice to make. Like you can either pay to live here or I'm going to have to go back to work full time, and this is how much it will cost you to live someplace else. That was really hard, but interestingly, it wasn't that I'm going to ask you, would you have, like, what's your feeling on that? Because I just want to take your temperature.
Speaker 2:I think it's just. It's really practical. You need to make a living, you need to pay for your expenses, so in some ways it's a practical way of starting a conversation, of saying here's the cost of being on your own but still getting some of the help that you're needing, or it's just the cost of it. How do we want to make sure that we've got the funds that we need in order to live day to day?
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, and she always and don't get me wrong, she was so. First of all, i am a very good cook And I remember back to the original story. We talked about food all the time. So I cooked exactly like she ate, because she was cooking like I was eating. So she's coming here. She's like you should start a restaurant, you have the best food. So I knew she was very happy with her accommodations And I did make her a beautiful bathroom.
Speaker 1:The funny thing about that is thank you for your answer. It was harder for me than it was for her. Dee whipped out that checkbook so fast. She was like well, of course I'm willing to pay. That's absurd for you to think, or for me to think that I would live here without contributing. And let me look at these numbers. And together we came up with a number that kept everybody at home and she felt safe. So for anybody out there, you made the most exquisite response. It was an invitation to start the conversation, which needs to be had because it's not allowed. There's no room in this arrangement for martyrdom And as soon as you feel like you're a martyr or that you don't have choices, it can get very cancerous And it can turn very resenting right. Yes, i bet you hear that.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I also think that there's a feeling of guilt around it, because it feels like care and love should be free, but mortgages and groceries are not free, so it's just practically you can't pay for providing the care you're providing on just caring for someone.
Speaker 1:And I was living here by myself And I literally like I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. But she was so delighted, it was like I'm so happy. You asked I'm so happy we're having this conversation. Let me pay you for what? the two, i don't know however many months. Let me pay you a little back, pay whatever, and then maybe that will bring us. I mean, it was so simple. Now, that was a gift.
Speaker 1:And I'm sure there are lots of listeners that are rolling their eyes saying, oh, i should be so lucky, but I wouldn't have known. No, i could say it differently. I could have told myself a different story and never asked. So I had to put my big girl panties on and start the conversation. Even though it wasn't a comfortable conversation, it was a necessary conversation. I did it and it worked out beautifully. So don't be afraid to ask. I have another funny story. Go for it Again. It goes back to kids. This is actually really funny. I haven't thought about some of these things in quite some time. My mother has since passed. You know, when are you a mom?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've got to, I've got to. well, my youngest turns 18 tomorrow. OK, so you know 18-year-old and a 20-year-old.
Speaker 1:So you know Well, if you're listeners, you look 12. So I would have never guessed that, thank you. So you remember the days of mom, mom, they're calling from all over the house, right, i have an anecdote for that because I'm a parenting coach. However, my mother started doing that. Remember, back to the beginning of the conversation. They revert back to very childish behavior. So she'd be sitting somewhere in her room, janet, janet, i'd be like, what are you yelling for? Like, i'm not the dog, i don't have a dog, i don't have a dog. But you know, one day she came looking for me and I was in my bedroom and she's in the doorway and she steps in and she comes in and she's talking to me. I don't even remember what I was doing, but remember, bedroom hiding place, sacred. I do remember being clothed. That was a win. And she came in and we dealt with whatever it was, because it wasn't the moment.
Speaker 1:But after a little spell later, another boundaries conversation, and it was when I am in my room, you will not, cannot enter my room, i am deaf. I am deaf in my room, unless you are bleeding, and if that's the point, then push your button. She had one of those little alarms, you know. Then push your button and 911 will be called, like I will know whether you are in distress, versus whether you just need to tell me something because you're afraid you'll forget. And she was like oh, i understand. So that was another one, like territory boundaries and those top conversations of no, you cannot, that's my space, it's off limits, completely off limits. And then I just had to say I need a place where I know I can go and you're not there, said with love, but you can't be in there.
Speaker 2:I think that's really smart. I think setting boundaries is so hard And sounds like your mom was pretty respectful of them or in logical enough to say, oh, i see why you would want to have your own space, but I think that's so hard to set boundaries. And then that really can lead to some of the caregiver burnout of never having your own space And just feeling like it's all consumed by someone else's needs.
Speaker 1:Yeah Now, but that also kind of like. And I will say it did bite me in the ass one time because it was in the middle of the night and she tried to go to the bathroom by herself and she fell in the bathroom. So she pushed her button. So I'm awakened because there's male voices in my house. So I throw on a robe and I go out and there's three EMTs in my house And I'm like what the hell is going on. She said I fell. So I pushed my button. I was like okay, and they were like we're gonna take her to the hospital and have her checked out.
Speaker 1:And I was like okay, and while I was embarrassed and probably even a little shamed, if I admit it, because I'm home and I can't help her, the fact is I would have had to call them as well because I would have wanted her checked out. She had hit her head and she was bleeding a little bit And I don't, she's frail. I mean I'm not gonna pick her up, i'm gonna break her. So while I'm feeling shame, it was kind of like you know what? I probably would have ended up pushing the button anyway, like yeah, what do you do? So you really. It's very humbling We learn. I learned my limitations as well, where I thought I was very capable of doing X, y or Z. You know, with that elderly, frail population, all bets are off. It's scary, very scary.
Speaker 2:What does so? what's something that surprised you about having your mom come and live with you?
Speaker 1:I'll tell you another story And then it's kind of the end of the story And, at the risk of offending, there's no other way to tell the story. But there's a good moral to the story. My mother was then 90, she died just short of her 91st birthday, or was it her 92nd birthday? She was very old and very frail And we had a beautiful 18 months. We did everything, i did everything I could and we really reconciled a relationship And it was. It was I'm not gonna say it was great, but it was more than good enough.
Speaker 2:Thank you, i'm a very mouthful dozer.
Speaker 1:One day she said I'm tired. I said I understand that And she said no, i'm tired, i think I'm done. And I said really. I said have you no? And she said you just know Now. We grew up around death. My family owned and operated one of the few Jewish cemeteries in the greater Philadelphia area, so death was always a very open, transparent concept conversation growing up. So when she said that I knew I was like oh, that's interesting, Anything. In particular She's like no, i'm just really tired And I know, i just, i think I'm done.
Speaker 1:Now we all know the power of the brain and the relationship that our thoughts have with our bodies. We hear love stories all the time where one of the married couple one dies and the other one follows within hours, days and to know, for no apparent physiological reason. So we know that the heart can really dictate what the body does. So I was like oh, okay, I support you Again, meet them where they are. Wasn't my job to change her mind? I was like okay, well, you just let me know what my role is.
Speaker 1:And she really stopped her eating, slowed down and everything else And I suspected I knew what she was doing And she just, but it was like on her terms kind of a thing, and so I wasn't about to try and change her mind. My, you really need to do this. Like her quality of life was really like you know we have. Your viewers can't see this. Like you know, spread your arms wide, right, our lives are limitless And then as we get older they shrink and shrink and shrink, and so if your viewers can just think of those goalposts really coming together, our lives get very, very narrow. And her life had really narrowed. You know, she had a meal or so and she would watch some TV and she'd read and go to bed and do her nails. She always did her nails. I know really cute. And she stopped, like she just really slowed herself down And then it got to the point that I really was afraid because I now I don't know what to do, and so I reached out to a friend who was connected to hospice to see if I could get some help.
Speaker 1:So this is where, like, that whole caregiver thing really steps in Know when you need help, and hospice for those that don't know has completely changed their role in our society. This is not just end of life. The last two weeks, you can be on hospice for a year. It just means that you no longer you know like you need help and the inevitability of death is predictable. But it could be six hours, six days, six months. I mean it could be quite some time. And so we got her eligible for hospice.
Speaker 1:And if any of your listeners like when we say active death, right, we all know what that looks like And if you don't look it up, it's very clinical Many of the nurses will say, well, is your loved one in active death? And there's some checklist of things to look for and things like that. And in the final oh, i don't know two weeks, i would say. And I was blessed beyond measure to have somebody come in and help out with grooming and diaper changing. I only had to do one diaper change because she had basically stopped eating right And drinking And I'm blessed to have the help.
Speaker 1:But I remember sitting on the stairs one day and the aid came out of the bedroom and I was crying And she said are you okay? And I said I just feel so blessed to have you. What am I supposed to do with all of this? And do you know that that woman stood there for 40 minutes and served me. I didn't even know I needed the support. I'm just charging through and this is my job and this is my duty. And then I crumbled and hospice was there and 40 minutes. I said I'm gonna get you in trouble. She's like nope, that's our job. We're happy to help the caregivers as well. So never be afraid to ask for help. I didn't even know I needed it.
Speaker 1:And then the other thing that I was gonna say was in the final moments. Actually, that's not fair. It was after she died and I was with her. That's the third person. That's the fourth person in my life I've sat with as they've died. I'm done. I don't need to do that anymore in my life. 60 done, i don't need to do anymore. It's not scary. By the way, if anybody out there is thinking that it's terrifying, it doesn't have to be. It was actually one of the most peaceful things I'd ever experienced, each time actually. But when I reflect back now, we're gonna do a rewind to where we started the conversation.
Speaker 1:This was a woman who was not a strong woman And yet in her final days, weeks when you know you're gonna die and you face it head on there is no other more stunning display of strength that I have ever seen And I'm a big journaler, and it was probably within about 72 hours of her dying When I was journaling and I thought to myself the joke's on me Here.
Speaker 1:All these years I perceived her as this weak woman emotionally, physically, spiritually, you name it And who the joke's on me? She duped me. Probably one of the strongest women I've ever seen facing like on her terms, she made a decision, didn't back down. It wasn't easy, because if you've ever watched somebody disintegrate and stop eating and all of that, it's really slow, but the strength that she demonstrated was something I will absolutely never forget. So the joke's on me. She really was a whole lot stronger than I thought, and it took her dying and me watching her die to learn that, and so that's my gift. I got to see the human that she needed me to see, that I needed to see in her, and for that I'm forever grateful.
Speaker 2:That's beautiful. That's a great, yeah, a great gift.
Speaker 1:Yeah, really it is a great gift yeah.
Speaker 2:So then, what advice would you have for someone who is stepping into this role of caring for a parent? What did you learn? Is there anything you'd do differently, or what lessons did you learn that you would pass on to others?
Speaker 1:Again journaling. This came to me not that long ago. The strength is really in the surrender. The strength is in the surrender. So you really have to put your ego on the shelf And yet balance that with the ability to cultivate some boundaries for everybody, depending upon whether you know, i mean if you've got kids in the house or whatever it is. But ego has no room in it. Conditions we all understand the negativity surrounding conditional and I would just guard against conditions because there were some moments where I was like you know, you do that again and I'm gonna ship your ass out, kind of a thing Like exactly what we would want to say to our kids right, do that again and I'm going to whatever. Like it's just not that It's just not, it's just you know I would appreciate you not doing that. Or like do unto them as you hope you are going to be treated.
Speaker 1:My kids were watching. My kids were watching. My kids are older too. You know they're in their 20s, they don't even live here, but they came home to visit their grandmother and remember my other. You know their other grandmother doesn't live too far, and so when they came home to make that and very intentional, you know it was like, mom, this is really cool, you made Grandma Ruth a really beautiful bathroom, or I really like what you did to her bedroom. It's really nice kind of a thing, and that was their bedroom right when they lived here And we're modeling that.
Speaker 1:I mean, that's part of our legacy. Is what is the message that we want the observers to see? And we do it with genuineness. It's not like, oh, I have to put on a show and be super daughter or super son, because it's like no, you do it because they are your parent and we will be respectful. And our youngsters in my case, my adult children they're watching. So remove ego, create boundaries, the legacy of what we're modeling for, how we're treating our elders, the respect of elders, and maybe just not be afraid to have the hard conversations, because the story that you're telling yourself could be worse than the story that they're telling themselves, and it may work out beautifully, you never know. Uh-huh.
Speaker 2:I love your phrase the strength is in the surrender. I've found that true in so many facets of this experience. Just as things change, as people's abilities change, i think the people that have the hardest time are the people that are still really, really trying to hold on to what their parent was able to do 10 years ago or the relationship that they had 10 years ago. And not being flexible and not being able to say, well, let's surrender to this experience as it is right now. Meeting them where they are or meeting yourself where you are adds to the difficulty. So I, like the strength is in the surrender. I think that's just true throughout the whole process.
Speaker 1:I don't know if I made that up, but it came to me the other day when I was journaling because I was thinking a lot about strength. It's a big deal. It was kind of a big deal in our family growing up And I came upon that. I was like God, that's beautiful. Now it's on my mirror in my bathroom. but I don't know if I made that up or if I just streamed it from, so I have no idea, but it's my new affirmation, uh-huh.
Speaker 2:I think it's very appropriate. It's really good.
Speaker 1:We'll steal it, Even if it's an original. I swipe and deploy. it's a good thing, Yeah, Oh, and the other thing I would share with listeners is this is a big decision And so make it carefully and thoughtfully and then just have some fun with it. Like, once you've committed to it, just enjoy it. because honestly, like I described a really precarious relationship with a woman that I did not have a relationship with, who is now living in my home in my late 50s and her late 80s, and we still made it work. So just give into it right. Like, do it for all the right reasons, because the gift even though you may not know day to day what the gifts are and you might be hiding in your room, tearing your hair out and crying or having whatever it is the gift is coming. You just don't know what it's going to look like, but there is a gift Somewhere. there is a gift. And that's really what faith is right Just looking forward when you don't know the answer. Have a little faith, there is a gift in it.
Speaker 2:All right, beautiful advice. Thank you so much, janet.
Speaker 1:Thank you what a delightful conversation. Thanks for letting me remember all these fun stories.
Speaker 2:Yeah well, thanks so much for talking with us. I wish you all the best, and thank you so much for all of your insight and sharing your story. Thank you, have a good rest of your day You too. Thank you for joining me today. If you would like to share your story of supporting an aging parent, please reach out to me on my website, ageoldquestionsorg. You'll also notice there's a new option on the website and in the show notes to support the podcast if you find these conversations useful or meaningful. But, as always, the best way you can support the show is to share it with others. If you know someone who has questions or concerns about caring for an aging parent, please tell them about the podcast and share what you've gotten from it. I love to think that these episodes are sparking real and meaningful conversations that are out in the world. At least, that's my hope. Thanks for all the support and I'm wishing you the best.